Thoughts of the Heart

As I'm wrapping Christmas gifts and filling out name tags, I write Tiffany's name out, slowly and just look at it and think of how different this Christmas could of been.  Why do I keep going there?  She is with us and that should be the furtherest thing from my mind, yet it plagues me almost everyday, the fact that I can text her, talk to her, hug her.call her, email her and just BE with her is amazing to me everyday and causes me to continuely thank God for those simple pleasures.  I think that as each Holiday passes and the further we get away from the tragedy the easier it will be, but there are no guarantees.  It is a process and everyone goes through it differently.  It has been 9 months, why is it that something so small as a picture or a song can send me crashing into tears?  I think that a mother's love goes deeper than it is possible to explain.  There is something inside of me that just aches for my girls and never wants them to hurt.  Everyday, Tiffany is hu

I haven't posted in a long time, pretty much figure I don't have anything that interesting to say.  My daughters and son-in-laws are quite the thinkers and writers and they convey themselves so much better than I do, then I realize that it's my insecurities that keep me from posting or sharing anything for fear of  not saying something right or sharing something that maybe I shouldn't.  I have opened myself up in the past and had women use it against me, when they see my vuluable side they use me and I have been hurt. Before I go on I want to ask you to please pardon my spelling it's not the best, my puntcuation and grammar are awful as well, but I don't want that to keep me from sharing my heart. So all this to say... I have been thinking about my childhood and how to this day it affects who I am.  Now some of us get to have parents who encourage and are supportive.  I didn't get that (please don't get me wrong I love my parents and they did the be

In 2007 I had a hysterectomy and for the last 4 years I have progressively started to feel worse and worse.  It was all I could do (especially these last 2 years) to get up and pull myself together and go to work.  If it were not for my relationship with God and the fact that my family is around me so much, I think I would of just crawled in bed and stayed there.  That is NOT me though and I had to finally get to the bottom of what was happening to me, to the person I use to be.  My mind was foggy all the time and I felt like I was on edge.  It was like my insides were going to explode.  If I shared this feeling and how sad I was I was told to read my bible more and pray.  Now that is good advice and I do have to admit I wasn't doing it as much as I use to, so I started in again to be more deligent in my quiet time, but no relief and I knew this wasn't from spiritual neglect it was something physical.  FINALLY after sharing with a friend at work (I work in the medical field) sh

Wonder why it is that as we get older we lose sight sometimes of WHO God is and WHO we are in Christ?  I remember when I was home raising our daughters and my husband was at work, I felt like I had purpose, I had a goal, a reason for getting up in the morning and spending time with Christ before the girls were up, exercising, making breakfast but as I have gotten older and the girls are grown and raising their own families I feel adrift a little detached.  I know it is not what God would have or want of His "Older Children" but I fear I have fallen into that "Old Person" trap of feeling not that important.  As I think on this and as I write it is helping me to come to grips with the reality that I AM getting older and I can feel useless or I can BE OF USE.  As I look back on my life as a mom of two very beautiful girls I feel so very blessed, so very blessed that I was able to be at home and to have valuable input into their everyday lives, from praying with them a

So I started this in March but just couldn't write.  I have some competition because both of my daughters write and they do such an awesome job of sharing their feelings and I'm not so sure I can follow in their footsteps.  There is nothing like a "Mother's Love" no matter how old your children are they are STILL your children and when they hurt you hurt, when they are happy you are happy.  Our world was shakened and turned UPSIDE down this last March.  How could something so selfless on Tiffany's part end up starting a chain of events that NOT one of us could of ever imagined or predicted, but OUR God knew and He had been preparing us.  Mike had been teaching a sunday school class on the Soverienty of God and had just taught the class when that Monday Tiffany delivered two very healthy twins and then EVERYTHING started falling apart and we almost lost her at that point, but again God is in control and it WAS NOT her time but we didn't know that yet, all w

Started writing this on March 26, 2011 sitting next to Tiffany's hospital bed and finally finished it.  This is my accounting of what happened.  It felt good to finally get it all out.  I pray daily still that God be glorified in all that happened.  It is long and may have many errors in spelling but it is written from a mother's heart that had been broken more times in one month than I ever want to endure again. This is my account: Not even sure where to start, the entire month of March has been a rollercoaster of emotions, starting with Feb 28th and the delivery of two beautiful little ones that our daughter Tiffany carried for another couple.  The delivery was normal but then she wouldn't stop bleeding.  That led to an emergency hysterectomy and she bled out if not for blood transfusion we would of lost her, little did we know that this was just the beginning of the crazy month in store for us.  She returned home on Saturday March 5th and was on the road to recovery