Dealing

I haven't posted in a long time, pretty much figure I don't have anything that interesting to say.  My daughters and son-in-laws are quite the thinkers and writers and they convey themselves so much better
than I do, then I realize that it's my insecurities that keep me from posting or sharing anything for fear of  not saying something right or sharing something that maybe I shouldn't.  I have opened myself up in the past and had women use it against me, when they see my vuluable side they use me and I have been hurt.
Before I go on I want to ask you to please pardon my spelling it's not the best, my puntcuation and grammar are awful as well, but I don't want that to keep me from sharing my heart.

So all this to say...
I have been thinking about my childhood and how to this day it affects who I am.  Now some of us get to have parents who encourage and are supportive.  I didn't get that (please don't get me wrong I love my parents and they did the best with what they understood) it's just that at every turn I was put down.  I wanted to be an airline stewartis and I was told I was too short, wanted to play softball, run track, volleyball but unless I had a friend who's mom would be willing to run me home (we lived almost to Lebanon) I couldn't do it.  You see my parents didn't have parents who supported them or were there for them and unfortunately they did the same to me.  Because of that I am still struggling with feelings of inadequacy.  I use to so much want to hear my parents tell me how much they loved me (they do tell me now as an adult) or that I did a good job cleaning my room or making my bed, but when I did something good they still felt it was necessary to point out what I missed, never any praise, I can't tell you how much that hurts a little kid.  The results of that is this - As an adult when I walk in a room I figure that I won't be liked.  I feel, fat, ugly and unloveable.  I struggle with this and it affects who I am today and my relationships.  I strive to be such a pleaser that I do and do and do to the point of not taking care of myself.  Then if I do take time for me, I feel guilty. I so much want approval and for people to like me.  Please don't get me wrong I do these things also because I love doing for other's.   Well with all of that said, this is what I do know and what I hold onto.

That is that God LOVES me, His love for me is greater than any love I will ever know.  He choose me before the foundation of the earth to be His child.  When the lies that plague my mind so many times come to settle I HAVE to shake off those thoughts with His word.  God has blessed me so much and yet it was just tonight that my heart was aching over, what if's and why me, why us and so I am still dealing.  Dealing with past hurts, trying to not allow them to steal my joy to dictate who I am and to make me an uneffective Christian.
You would think that after 20 plus years as a Christian I would of worked through all of this, well I pretty much have but sometimes it comes back with a vengence and I have to fight it off again, but I'm not alone.  I have a husband and daughter's who listen and encourage me with scripture and support.
I'm NOT perfect, but there are things that I do well and that is Loving my family, cooking, cleaning, organization, giving support and just in general being there for family and friends.  Those are the things I have to remind myself of and hold onto when my past starts nagging at me and trying to pull me down.
I am sharing this praying that it may help someone else if for no other reason than to know they are not alone. 


I have to remind myself daily that I have a good heart and no matter what has happened to me or what may happen I want to always count my blessings and not allow my past to make me bitter but instead make me BETTER.