The Other Side of Grief - my ramblings
On May 8, 2013 our beloved friend Dick left this world suddenly, without warning, no good-byes, just gone and in the last year our hearts have hurt more than any of us thought possible. You read articles talking about the grieving process, the 5 stages of grief, #1 Denial and Isolation, #2 Anger, #3 Bargaining, #4 Depression and #5 Acceptance.
I however didn't read those articles, I prayed, I talked, I cried - a lot, I went to scripture, to God's promises
2 Corinthians 5:8 "we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord" and
Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the Lord Is the death of His godly ones.
It is verses like this that I have clung to that give me comfort in knowing where Dick is at. My sorrow, my saddness and even anger from time to time is out of my own selfishness that things have changed. That someone I loved was taken away so suddenly. Would it have been better to have watched him linger in a long drawn out angonizing death? No and I would of never wanted that, so why can't I rejoice for his gain? Because my human nature is selfish and wants what it wants. I don't mean to be that way but as I have grieved over this last year and hear the things that have come out of my mouth in the deepest darkest days of sorrow, I always come back to how selfish I sound, wanting Dick back here, why? so that I don't have to be sad any longer, so I can have one more conversation with him, so I can drink in more of his knowledge and understanding of scripture, one more summer evening sitting out back all of us discussing scripture with the stars shining brightly in the darken sky and laughing at Dick wrapping himself up in a blanket with just his face showing to ward off any pesky masquitos. My heart and soul long for just one more anything. I have questioned why God would take Dick home between our daughters birthday's, why then? The day after Candice's 30th birthday, such happiness followed by such sorrow and then Bailey's 5th birthday on the 12th and then Tiffany's birthday on the 14th. Of all months why May? So many happy things to celebrate and now in the midst of the Joy there is sorrow.
In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 we are told the following:
"Rejoice always; 17 pray without ceasing; 18 in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"
as a believer we can Rejoice Always, even when we don't feel like it we can Rejoice cause we belong to the one who holds our destiny in His hands and no matter what comes my way I can find comfort in Him. As a believer I am told to "Pray without ceasing" I believe that praying is not just when our eyes are closed and we are on bent knee but it is in every single moment of everyday, in the recesses of our minds as we talk to God, while driving, walking, shopping, eating, in just living. and now the hard one "In EVERYTHING give Thanks" really? In Everything? When sickness strikes, when death takes a loved one home? I had read this verse a million times but to read it when you have suffered great loss, it takes on a different meaning and I had to ask myself "Am I able to give thanks to God in EVERYTHING?" I thought I had always but this was our friends death? Taken so suddenly, without warning, in a month that we had so many reasons to be happy, now forever we will be reminded of that awful day! Awful day, right there as I thought it and said it I was convicted that it truly wasn't an awful day, not for Dick, it was his home coming day, the day that God had predestined from the beginning of time.
Psalms 139:16
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
As we celebrated Candice's 31st birthday tonight, there was much laughter and Joy, it was a beautiful day so many blessings and as we sat around their home, which was Dick's, he is there with us in the back of our minds, he will never be far from us, we all carry a piece of him around in our hearts and always will. God allowed Dick to be a part of our family for 25 years and someday we WILL all be together again for all eternity, so to address the title of this blog, "On the other side of Grief" Am I? I don't know, I still cry when I hear certain songs, they remind me so much of Dick and how he lived his life and then there are days that the tears are less and basically non-exisistant. I know I will never be over it completely and someday's I still expect he will come to mind and I will find myself having a hard time catching my breath as I think about him, it's almost like I was just told for the first time he's gone, can't explain it not sure I ever will be able too but feel so blessed to have had someone in my life who made such an impact not on just me but my entire family. We are better for knowing him and I pray that someday when I am gone someone will be better for knowing me.
Two songs that bring the tears are Sidewalk Prophets song "I want to live like that"
"Sometimes I think, what will people think of me when I'm only just a memory, when I'm home where my soul belongs, was I love when no one else would show up, was I Jesus to the least of us, was my worship more than just a song, I want to live like that and give it all I have, so that everything I say and do points to you" This was Dick, he was bold not afraid to stand firm and he loved and cared for people, this was the biggest reason he wasn't afraid to talk to them about scripture, even when they didn't like it. I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT...
and then the other song is Big Daddy Weaves "Yours Will Be"
This song always makes me think of his last moments as the girls and I stood by him and he drew his last breath - one moment he was here and the next he woke up in the "Land of Glory"
"When I wake up in the Land of Glory with the saints I will tell my story, there will be one name that I proclaim Jesus, just that name"
So am I on the other side? Maybe, each day it gets better but the thing I have learned is grief is different for everyone and to allow myself and others to grieve at our own pace, no time limit, no 5 steps - just day by day walking this earth knowing that God is right beside me holding me up when I feel like I can't go on and carrying me when I can't take one more step, So until we meet again Dick, know you were loved and will forever be in our hearts
I however didn't read those articles, I prayed, I talked, I cried - a lot, I went to scripture, to God's promises
2 Corinthians 5:8 "we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord" and
Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the Lord Is the death of His godly ones.
It is verses like this that I have clung to that give me comfort in knowing where Dick is at. My sorrow, my saddness and even anger from time to time is out of my own selfishness that things have changed. That someone I loved was taken away so suddenly. Would it have been better to have watched him linger in a long drawn out angonizing death? No and I would of never wanted that, so why can't I rejoice for his gain? Because my human nature is selfish and wants what it wants. I don't mean to be that way but as I have grieved over this last year and hear the things that have come out of my mouth in the deepest darkest days of sorrow, I always come back to how selfish I sound, wanting Dick back here, why? so that I don't have to be sad any longer, so I can have one more conversation with him, so I can drink in more of his knowledge and understanding of scripture, one more summer evening sitting out back all of us discussing scripture with the stars shining brightly in the darken sky and laughing at Dick wrapping himself up in a blanket with just his face showing to ward off any pesky masquitos. My heart and soul long for just one more anything. I have questioned why God would take Dick home between our daughters birthday's, why then? The day after Candice's 30th birthday, such happiness followed by such sorrow and then Bailey's 5th birthday on the 12th and then Tiffany's birthday on the 14th. Of all months why May? So many happy things to celebrate and now in the midst of the Joy there is sorrow.
In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 we are told the following:
"Rejoice always; 17 pray without ceasing; 18 in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"
as a believer we can Rejoice Always, even when we don't feel like it we can Rejoice cause we belong to the one who holds our destiny in His hands and no matter what comes my way I can find comfort in Him. As a believer I am told to "Pray without ceasing" I believe that praying is not just when our eyes are closed and we are on bent knee but it is in every single moment of everyday, in the recesses of our minds as we talk to God, while driving, walking, shopping, eating, in just living. and now the hard one "In EVERYTHING give Thanks" really? In Everything? When sickness strikes, when death takes a loved one home? I had read this verse a million times but to read it when you have suffered great loss, it takes on a different meaning and I had to ask myself "Am I able to give thanks to God in EVERYTHING?" I thought I had always but this was our friends death? Taken so suddenly, without warning, in a month that we had so many reasons to be happy, now forever we will be reminded of that awful day! Awful day, right there as I thought it and said it I was convicted that it truly wasn't an awful day, not for Dick, it was his home coming day, the day that God had predestined from the beginning of time.
Psalms 139:16
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
As we celebrated Candice's 31st birthday tonight, there was much laughter and Joy, it was a beautiful day so many blessings and as we sat around their home, which was Dick's, he is there with us in the back of our minds, he will never be far from us, we all carry a piece of him around in our hearts and always will. God allowed Dick to be a part of our family for 25 years and someday we WILL all be together again for all eternity, so to address the title of this blog, "On the other side of Grief" Am I? I don't know, I still cry when I hear certain songs, they remind me so much of Dick and how he lived his life and then there are days that the tears are less and basically non-exisistant. I know I will never be over it completely and someday's I still expect he will come to mind and I will find myself having a hard time catching my breath as I think about him, it's almost like I was just told for the first time he's gone, can't explain it not sure I ever will be able too but feel so blessed to have had someone in my life who made such an impact not on just me but my entire family. We are better for knowing him and I pray that someday when I am gone someone will be better for knowing me.
Two songs that bring the tears are Sidewalk Prophets song "I want to live like that"
"Sometimes I think, what will people think of me when I'm only just a memory, when I'm home where my soul belongs, was I love when no one else would show up, was I Jesus to the least of us, was my worship more than just a song, I want to live like that and give it all I have, so that everything I say and do points to you" This was Dick, he was bold not afraid to stand firm and he loved and cared for people, this was the biggest reason he wasn't afraid to talk to them about scripture, even when they didn't like it. I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT...
and then the other song is Big Daddy Weaves "Yours Will Be"
This song always makes me think of his last moments as the girls and I stood by him and he drew his last breath - one moment he was here and the next he woke up in the "Land of Glory"
"When I wake up in the Land of Glory with the saints I will tell my story, there will be one name that I proclaim Jesus, just that name"
So am I on the other side? Maybe, each day it gets better but the thing I have learned is grief is different for everyone and to allow myself and others to grieve at our own pace, no time limit, no 5 steps - just day by day walking this earth knowing that God is right beside me holding me up when I feel like I can't go on and carrying me when I can't take one more step, So until we meet again Dick, know you were loved and will forever be in our hearts
What a beautiful legacy Dick left behind, and what a gift he was to your family. Hard to believe it's already been a year. Thanks, Dee, for a great tribute to a guy who never wanted the limelight, yet left such a big dent in this world. Keep looking to the Author and Finisher of our faith! Someday you'll have a big, noisy reunion with Dick and it'll feel like no time has passed--a beautiful thought.
ReplyDelete